Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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