Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
false alarm. still invincible.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
