Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize