Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
