So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
