God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
