you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
