so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
