Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
