I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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