Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize