my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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