please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
