I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
