I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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