Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
