I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
