why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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