I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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