Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
