I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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