People in love make me want to vomit
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize