my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
