He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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