After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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