You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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