my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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