Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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