I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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