I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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