Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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