How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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