Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
