last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
