I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was born a porn star she said
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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