When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
