Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
