anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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