i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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