i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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