Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
