her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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