i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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