Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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