$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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