last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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