Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
