i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
