I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
