Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
