Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
