don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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