and she was petting her beer can
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
