stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
