I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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