I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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