I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize