I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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